What follows is a multi-part, largely stream of consciousness story. Let's see where it goes.
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Hey my name is Paul, and it was tough to imagine it and I guess even if I did that I wouldn't have understood, then at least, what exactly it meant. I am half-convinced that everything that happens to someone is a hint at what happens later. Take these:
1.) When I was 11 year old I was Ashley Ruer's birthday party, though I thought nothing of it at the time, when I didn't get a turn on the bouncy castle, I was told that I needed to be more "childlike and aggressive." Man, talk about your good advice.
2.) Usually when I order coffee I'm asked if I want room for cream, however last Sunday, after ordering coffee downtown and not being asked if I wanted room for cream, I asked why the no ask. The answer? "I dunno, you looked like you didn't care."
3.) I have been broken up with three times in my life, the mother of all precursor/hint situations, and every time I told "I should have seen this coming." Does that happen to everyone?
These are just tid-bits, but isn't everything a hint at something else? These/that are the kind of half-cocked thoughts that are just enough to make me seem interesting while knowing, deeply, that I am full of shit. Which makes me great at parties. Still though, I guess I find comfort in it. Typically, I can lose myself in something else (re:parties) long enough to forget it and revel in the shit. Sound gross? It's bearable with the right soundtrack.
About now I'm looking for traction. I can't help it. Avoidable? It ain't. Remember the hints I just mentioned? Life is one big hint that you need to get one and lately mine hasn't been much of one. Does that sound pathetic? I'm really not one much for introspection, but happiness is something I can't help but be into, I think. Emptiness always seems worse when it's discovered by the way, just found that out. You walk up to the grand canyon and you're like "Wow, that's a big hole," and you're okay with that you can walk away. But open up your fridge where you could have sworn there was milk only to find a half-used ketchup? Well let me say, that's not as easily recoverable from. Then my friend, you're a dipshit and you know it to your core.
I'm not in a funk, like I said before, I'm just in a fog. The one where you doubt your talents and likes. Like listen to this, yesterday I was in the Jewel and I saw someone, a man, well-dressed and buying a ten-dollar bottle of wine. Before I even caught myself I assumed this is an everyday practice for him. I envied the routine. I envied the simple satiation. I can drink a million bottles of wine (can/have) and I still never get that. I guess you just have to find what does satisfy you. That guy has. He loves to go home to his recent wife, who came from pseudo-money and introduced him to wine. She pushed him to do better and he actually got the raise he asked for. Life's been better since, he's more full filled and she loves the man in her life more now that she can respect him for asking and succeeding. They have a nice apartment but they use everything. There is no room that people look at. They own leather couches but they're worn down from sitting and dogs jumping up. Nice flatware, but they use it to eat. Even the model boat on the mantle seems to already have seen it's fair share of seas. Man, I would love to build model boats.
After that Jewel trip I went home and did 23 minutes of the 45 minute In-Home Yoga DVD with some mildly attractive women on the cover I bought for 4.95 (over $5 and it would have nixed the deal) at TJ-Maxx last week and decided that I'd rather just not be flexible.
Enter: My job. I work downtown in the loop (hence the coffee purchase) in a job with a moderate amount of responsibility. The people under me like me, for the most part, but really just because I don't care enough to enforce the company standards that would make them like me less but make them more effective. As a department we are mildly productive but I don't think anyone really cares about corporate support structures we consult on. You know how everyone in business is supposed to hate meetings? I think that's bullshit. The reason why there are so many meetings is because everyone loves them. At least it's a break up to the day. In a profession where people actually talk about their mine sweeper scores, anything is better. Meetings at least allow interaction and I try to have them as often as possible. Really to create a false sense of teamwork but also to help everyone feel like they make decisions. Hey, if it helps them to believe that deciding to charge 45.00 dollars an hour consultancy fees to pharmaceuticals versus non-profits will help the company, rock on.
