and....BALL FIVE! You were never up in the first place.

Hello All,

And a pleasant Tuesday to you, I hope it finds you as well as it finds me and believe me I"LL ALWAYS find you.

After all, your probably in the phone book. Remember that. Plus I own several guns. (That specifically goes out to the person who recently stole one of my Nalgene bottles. Congratulations. You have made it more difficult for me to drink water. A basic human function. If I see you I'm going to make it harder for you to blink. How? You'd be surprised what a man armed with Tweezers and nude pictures of Betty White can do; you rat bastard).

Enough of that though, I believe this post is unabashedly dedicated to Homer Bailey. THE number one prospect in these major leagues, and you know who his contract belongs to? That's right boys and girls, the Cincinnati Reds. A club who has systematically either thrown talent out of its organization or signed people bereft of it. However, by sheer dumb luck it would seem as if Narron's boys have an up and comer, up and coming. This of course leaves only two possibilities to unfold...

1.) Homer is brought up to the Major Leagues prematurely following a fan outcry and consequent pressure from management that knows little about baseball. Jerry Narron reluctantly calls him up prematurely because he thinks it might save his job and heck, maybe he's the spark plug they need to make a playoff push and finally be able to beat someone over .500. Tragically, though, Homer steps up and immediately people understand why that's his name. Throwing balls some might call of the gum variety, everything he throws seems to land somewhere between Saskatchewan and the moon. Then, confidence shattered, he gets demoted to Triple A Louisville where he is mired somewhere between good and mediocre leaving fans like myself to only mention his name 5 years later, drunk, and discussing funny sport starts that never were. You hear me Harold Miner?

2,) He bursts into flames and dies at 22.

Either way, you might want to send his mom some cards now. Although I haven't seen the " My condolences that my poorly ran major league team broke your sons promising dream into a million pieces and barbecued those pieces into something that tastes a lot like complete failure," card at Hallmark, which is weird because you would think after Ryan Wagner they might have that one.


Well I suppose in the history of the blog, it's okay to make one sports related post after all I am a man. Complete with Kung-Fu grip. Although also I cost about as much as G.I Joe with it. Maybe there's something to be said for economy. I'm the "Falls Creek," version of man. Seemingly okay, poorly put together and I wouldn't show the tag to someone I was trying to impress.

Enough self loathing though, it's about time for this savvy vet to hit the road. Advice for you readers? De-list out of the yellow pages and get me back my Nalgene.

A.J.S.

Pants at a Pants Free Event

Often times I'm tempted to give these blogs a title BEFORE i write whatever it is that I write about, in fact I think I might do that right now.....there, now THAT title is sufficiently ambiguous.

---"Andrew, why no one can write a decent post right after working out, are you INSANE?"

True doubter, true it may be impossible for lesser men, but I dare to dream. I live my life counter to e-trends. Why just the other day I went you youtube and looked at something other than a teenager lip syncing to Dido. Although, I don't think I'll be searching for middle aged man lip syncing again, it seems that lacks a necessary modifier to get what your looking for.

I'm sure its been great out there in you world, but rest assured that over here, its always one point better than you and you had better get used to dealing with it. I kid, I kid, but if the good weather outside is any indicator you had better pickup a new hobby that you REALLY enjoy.
Because I am truly in a rock solid, unflappable joy and to keep up your going to need something new. It is my sincere belief that you cannot understand exactly how great it is to be indoors until the option of going outside is actually frightening (and you don't count Alabama).

Today marks the first day in a long time that I wore shorts and although probably incredibly boring to you (LIKE THIS BLOG!) It was no small victory for me. In fact I can't help but say, as I traveled the streets, I knew what was on peoples minds as I passed them. I mean usually I have a fairly good shot at what they're thinking "man, is that a roll of quarters?" but this time I knew. The thought was a constant " I don't think it's quite warm enough man, get some sense." Well you know what pedestrian that I have a incredibly low probability of telling this to in real life?

Get Bent.

I'm loving my legs and, save for the blinding light that must reflect of my alabaster flesh, I don't think its causing you any harm. So let the calves begin.

Also, for anyone reading this with a conscious (re: no one), in Athens, Ohio : Ohio University we are hosting a 5k run/walk to benefit the Invisible Children Inc. A non-profit dedicated to education and relief in Uganda. For more info check out invisiblechildren.com or leave me a comment and I'll get back to you. Don't all rush to your wallets at once.

Cheers,
A.J.S.

Bowl on the Run

Although, granted, it's fairly difficult to approach a blog the day after the Superbowl and NOT talk about the Superbowl, I'm just the guy with the balls big enough to do it.

.......Really.

Plus, what's pseudo-intellectuality if you don't pretend to sooooo hate things that the public does en mass!!!! I mean Pirates of the Caribbean was nothing more than a dark vehicle to show special effects to entertain dumb people who like to watch squids talk. (Note-the author enjoyed that movie).

But here it is: my unabashedly super-free post (note the lack of bowl in that modifier) and it sits here wondering exactly what to discuss. Although, there is much floating about the world (pop and otherwise although who cares about anything but Britney) nothing, and i mean nothing, is catching my eye quite like the president's determination to convince the American people he is a bi-partisan guy. I mean, I flip on the television two days ago and I see him knee deep in all the Pelosi one person can (for physiological toxicity reasons) stomach in a year cracking jokes and wearing a, get this, GRAY, WORN SUIT.

I spent a couple seconds unfazed (thank you T.V for turning my life into a dull roar) but then it hit me. I was watching the President mingle with the democrats. Which of course wouldn't be that unusual if earlier that day I had seen Jesse Jackson hanging with Jesus lunching at the Neo-Nazi Veggie Deli, but since today isn't "No Fucking Way in Hell Day," I was a little taken aback.

Not that I didn't see this coming. In fact nothing could be further from the truth. Check these archives for further vindication (Second Note- I understand no one is going to check the archives). I understand the mandate the public pushed forth, it's just so unsettling. It's like i continue to wait for some celebrity to thank the band for coming and tell the T.V. audience how much they loved doing the show.

The Policy Wonk (what little there is) in me is intrigued. You have to wonder what this forced coupling could possibly breed. If logic serves it will probably be a harpy.

For actual political insight, perhaps stayed tuned to the next post, although Jazzy Jeff just released a new CD so, if I were placing a wager, I might anticipate a review being next. Your call.

Well, enjoy your day folks. I suppose I'll do the same. Keep the wheels grinding because I'm about to the tear the roof off.

-A.J.S.